


there is no better than this

by extremelyquestionable (TechnicalTragedy)



Category: The Derp Crew (Youtube RPF)
Genre: Awkwardness, Emotional Constipation, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, RoyalChaos, ZeRoyalChaos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-30
Updated: 2014-11-30
Packaged: 2018-02-27 15:01:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2697254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TechnicalTragedy/pseuds/extremelyquestionable
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the story of how ChilledChaos fell in love and then made a series of incredibly dumb choices. This is also the story of how ZeRoyalViking realized his best friend is actually the biggest idiot on the planet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	there is no better than this

**Author's Note:**

> also on my [tumblr](http://extremelyquestionable.tumblr.com/post/98175433202/title-there-is-no-better-than-this-pairing)

Anthony never understood heartbreak. People told him he was lucky, since he’d never had his heart broken, because it was the worst thing you could feel. He figured maybe they were all just overreacting. Heartbreak couldn’t be that bad, could it? All relationships had to end one way or another, everyone knew that, so wouldn’t the inevitable end be expected? Yeah, Anthony supposed they were all overreacting.

When Chilled finally had his first taste of heartbreak, he honestly thought he was dying for a moment. It felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest, like a house had fallen on him. He realized quickly that he wasn’t, in fact, having a heart attack, or being mauled by a wild animal, and that he hadn’t been poisoned. He was experiencing the very peculiar, excruciating sensation called heartbreak. Turns out, they weren’t overreacting.

After his almost kind of not near-death experience, Chilled had decided he would never fall in love again, that he would never put himself in that situation again. He did, of course, because he thought it would work out the second time around. He thought the same thing about the third, too.

By the time Chilled realized he was in love again, for the fourth time, it was far too late for him to back out. He dearly wished he could backtrack, take the revelation from his mind and lock it somewhere it would never be found. But instead, Chilled internally panicked while spitting out some bullshit excuse about feeling bad to his friend so he could get away and freak out by himself.

Anthony had put his head in his hands and just breathed for a long time, trying to muddle through his feelings. He had fallen in love again, like he said he wouldn’t do, and he couldn’t undo it. He didn’t know what to do with that, how to handle the knowledge that he was, at the risk of sounding like a shitty romance novel, completely head-over-heels in love. And not just in love with anybody. It wasn’t a beautiful girl he had met at a store or even a convention, or even a girl at all. No, Anthony had just had to go and fall in love with his best friend. His straight, unavailable, MALE best friend Steven, who lived across the country.

ChilledChaos figured he understood heartbreak at this point, and so he knew his heart was shattering into pieces when he realized there was nothing he could do about being in love again.

\- - -

The thing about Anthony is this: he gives up too easily on things he at first perceives as hopeless. He doesn’t tend to think it about many things, but when he does, it’s over.

The want for Steven to reciprocate his feelings is one of these things.

"Why would somebody like him ever love me," Chilled grumbled to himself as he made breakfast the day after he had realized he was in love with Ze. "He’s straight. Damn it, of all people, it had to be him." Anthony sighed, "I guess it did kinda have to be him, didn’t it? Stupid, beautiful fucker. Shit, I’m in too deep." Chilled burned his eggs, he was so engrossed with complaining to himself, so even after he did his best to salvage them they tasted rubbery and gross.

He frowned at his eggs, and that frown remained on his face all day, since he didn’t have to record and smile and put on the act. He didn’t do much, just moped around, exchanged a few brief messages with Smarty about whether or not they were going to record, and was generally acting like a sad sack of crap. Until about nine, when Ze messaged him.

It wasn’t much. Just a simple, “Hey,” but it made Anthony’s stomach turn.

"Hi," he typed back.

ze: How’s your day been, Chilly Willy?  
chilled: Alright, I guess. Haven’t done much.  
ze: Smarty said we aren’t recording tonight.  
chilled: We aren’t.  
ze: …  
ze: You okay, buddy?

Anthony swallowed, and set his hands on either side of keyboard, wondering how to respond. He wasn’t sure how he was always so transparent to Steven, but the younger man always seemed to know when something was wrong.

chilled: Not exactly, but I’ll be fine.  
ze: …  
ze: Wanna talk about it?  
chilled: Not really. Sorry.  
ze: It’s okay. Just wanted to see if I could help.  
chilled: Thanks for the offer.  
ze: Anytime, bud.  
ze: So, did you have a good breakfast?

Anthony smiled for the first time all day, and shook his head.

chilled: I burned my eggs.  
ze: That’s rough, man.  
ze: Did you get distracted while making them, or something?  
chilled: Yeah, something like that.  
ze: What’d you get distracted by?

Anthony sighed. Of all questions, Steven had to ask that one. He couldn’t exactly tell him what he was distracted by, so he typed the first thing that came to his mind.

chilled: My penis.  
ze: Didn’t know you had an egg kink, not that I ever wanted to know that.  
chilled: I didn’t mean it like that, asshole.  
ze: Then what happened with your penis that was so distracting you burnt your eggs?

Anthony groaned. He was a goddamn idiot. Why did he have to say penis?

chilled: I stepped too close to the stove and my pants caught on fire, so I had to protect the goods.  
ze: Suuuuuuuure.  
chilled: It did!  
ze: Whatever you say, Chilly Willy, or maybe it’s Not-So-Chilly Willy.  
chilled: Dammit, Ze.

Steven moved on after that, and Anthony was beyond relieved, but something in the back of his mind kept insisting he should’ve told Ze, that while he may have gotten rejected or even possibly lost his best friend, there was the possibility that Steven may have felt the same way. Chilled shoved those thoughts as far away as he could, because, frankly, there was no way Steven could be in love with him, and even daring to think something like that could ever happen would just hurt him in the long run.

\- - -

As days turned to weeks turned to months, and Chilled’s feelings for Ze never died down, but seemed to grow, he was nearing the end of his rope. It seemed like every little thing Steven did sent him deeper and deeper into the Shit Pit, as he liked to refer to it as. So he started trying to distance himself, both personally and professionally, to hopefully get back to the platonic feelings he’d harbored for the duration of their friendship before he realized the switch from platonic to romantic had been flipped. He pulled away, hoping Ze wasn’t catching on, and desperately trying to overcome his feelings.

It was starting to affect Anthony, not only emotionally but mentally and physically as well. He wasn’t dropping weight at what he would call a worrying rate, but he was losing pounds quickly, and he was quickly coming undone. He couldn’t talk to anyone about his emotional turmoil, and locking up his feelings had never been good for him.

He’d almost confessed to Steven several (nine) times, he’d had the message all typed out, or the words were on the tip of his tongue, but so far he’d managed to catch himself in time and later berate himself for being an idiot. He got closer and closer to telling him each time it happened, and it was getting to be too much.

Chilled didn’t want to lose Ze, not at all, but he wasn’t sure how much longer he could go on like he was. It would surely all come crashing down around his ears eventually.

After nearly six months of struggling, PAX was coming up, and Ze and Chilled were both planning on going.

ze: Hey, Chilled.  
chilled: Hi, Ze.  
ze: So PAX is gonna be here pretty soon.  
chilled: Yeah, what about it?  
ze: We gonna room together?

Anthony felt sick to his stomach, and he wasn’t sure if it was just insane butterflies or if he was actually going to vomit. If he said no, Steven would know something was up, because they almost always roomed together, but if he said yes, who knew what would happen.

He didn’t answer for a while, long enough for Ze to say,

ze: If you don’t want to it’s fine, Chilled.  
ze: I can find somebody else to room with me if you won’t.

And so Anthony panicked.

chilled: Sorry Ze, got distracted.  
chilled: Yeah, of course I’ll room with you, bud.  
ze: Alright, great!  
ze: Talk to you about arrangements and stuff tomorrow maybe?  
chilled: Why not now?  
ze: Gotta be somewhere.  
chilled: Okay, tomorrow.  
ze: Cool. Talk to you then.  
chilled: Until then, buddy.

Chilled stared at the messages, reread them, and then smacked himself in the forehead.

\- - -

When PAX rolled around, and the Derp Crew all flew out to Washington, Chilled had been practicing hiding the Shit Pit for a while, and thought he could probably make it through the three days of PAX.

On the day they got to Washington, which was actually a day before PAX started, Anthony and the Derp Crew hung out, but Chilled tried to stay away from Ze as much as he could and make it seem like he wasn’t. He had fun anyway, and when they retired to their hotel rooms hoped dearly that Ze would blame his distance on being tired.

Anthony avoided Steven on the first day of PAX, tried to dispel his worries that night, and avoided him again on the second day. But on the last day of PAX, right after the event ended and he got back to the hotel, Chilled was cornered by Ze.

"I didn’t see much of you this weekend," Ze said, just casual enough to make it seem like it wasn’t actually a confrontation.

"Oh, well, uh, I was busy, you know? " Anthony said noncommittally.

Steven narrowed his eyes at him, before giving a short nod. “Yeah, I guess I was kinda busy too. Still, we normally hang out together at PAX. That’s part of why we come here, right? To be together?”

Chilled nearly winced at his choice of words. “Yeah,” he said, a little breathily, “we come to PAX to be together.”

Ze chuckled. “I just thought it was weird that I hardly saw you. Not that I mind hanging out with GaLm. It’s just that, really, the only time I’ve spent with you all weekend was here in the hotel room, and typically at PAX we never leave each other.”

"Sorry, buddy. But, hey, we have tonight to hang out, right?" Anthony said, feeling bad about having avoided Ze so much. He had only been thinking about himself, and forgot that they were best friends, and that best friends do stuff together.

Steven grinned. “Yeah, we do. So, you wanna go out and do something together?”

Chilled felt a pang in his chest. Word choice, again. It was like Ze was mocking him. “Why, Steven, are you asking me on a date?” Anthony asked, smiling even though it hurt to say the words.

Ze’s grin faded, and he stared hard at Chilled for a long, tense moment. “And, um,” Steven started, his voice quiet, “What if I was? Asking you on a date. Hypothetically. Uh, would you - would you say yes?”

What could that mean? Was Ze…? No, he couldn’t possibly. Unless, maybe, he was? Anthony swallowed. “Hypothetically?” he asked, just as quiet, and Ze nodded. “Well, um, hypothetically, I would say yes.” There was a pause, where they both thought about the implications of that. Chilled licked his lips, and saw Steven’s eyes flicker down to watch the movement.

"And what if…" Ze said, but just let the unfinished question hang in the air between them, both unsure of what was really happening, if it could be possible.

"Steven," Anthony said, as if he was saying the name just to say it. A few moments later, he continued, "That…wasn’t a hypothetical question, was it?"

Ze haltingly brought his eyes up to Chilled’s, and shook his head in a small jerk. “I, uh,” he cleared his throat. “Chill- Anthony. Anthony. Would you, um. Would you like to go on a date. With me. Anthony, would you like to go on a date with me?”

There was another brief silence, where they just stared at each other, before Anthony broke into a wide grin. “Of course. I would love to go on a date with you, Steven.”

The smile that those words brought to Steven’s face was what Anthony thought maybe love looked like.

\- - -

Anthony never understood heartbreak. People told him he was lucky, since he’d never had his heart broken, because it was the worst thing you could feel. He figured maybe they were all just overreacting. When his heart got broken for the first time, he learned that they weren’t, and when his heart broke for the second and third times, he decided he was done with love.

Unfortunately, he did fall in love again, this time with his best friend, Steven. He was an idiot about his fourth love though, and would kick himself about it far into the future, past their first anniversary, their second, their wedding, and even beyond that. But when Anthony looks back at all of that, at those months of suffering and sadness, he doesn’t think he’d change a thing, because it made him realize what exactly love is.

Love isn’t the relationships fraught with holes and hurt and sometimes happiness that he thought it was, and it isn’t even those long months of grieving a loss he hadn’t suffered yet. Love, at the end of the day, was coming home to his best friend, and probably playing video games with him and making out on the couch like horny teenagers. Love was getting yelled at because, “Almost six months?! You knew you were in love with me for nearly half a year and you never told me? You even tried to push me away! You’re the biggest goddamn idiot on the entire planet, ChilledChaos! …But I’m glad you finally got your head out of your ass, even if I had to help you figure yourself out,” and realizing that was what he wanted for the rest of his life.

Anthony figured he understood heartbreak at this point, having experienced it a few times, but whenever Steven stroked through his hair when he couldn’t get to sleep, or kissed him right between his eyes, or had light shining on him through the window, or tried to throw popcorn in his mouth and missed horribly, or when his eyes got watery at their wedding, or when he cried, or laughed, or smiled, or blinked, or breathed - whenever Steven just existed, really - Anthony asked whatever gods, fates, or other controlling forces out there to keep the inevitable end far, far away from them.


End file.
